But of course, how is it any of my business? Right?
Wrong.
Without getting into the whole sordid incest ridden history of my brother and our friends, I will attempt to excuse my pressing need to meddle by giving you the 4-1-1 on this Rescue 9-1-1 situation.
On a side note: I love William Schatner.
Anywho.
About three years ago I discovered people. Because before that I lived in the garden of good and evil, more evil than good but you get the picture. Or maybe more like those people on Lost that came from the second half of the airplane... but I digress.
One of the first people I became lets-tattoo-each-others-names-on-our-boobies best friends with, was this girl named Gigi. (Sounds more like a dog I know, but people would hunt me down Ninja Assassin style if they knew I used their real names). Now at that moment I didn't know it, but I was about to get as deep as shit down the rabbit hole as someone can possibly get. For at least the next 1.5 years. Everyone after that point that I became friends with or interacted with, happened to have gone to high school at the same point and time as her. Some even happened to be her best friends.
Oh my GAWD, I know! Right?
Sigh.
Unfortunately, some were still on friendly terms, and some were regarded like the Nazi's. You see them, you run... and then talk shit about how much you hate them.
I am happy to say, that drama is over. For the most part.
Getting more to my point, it was in this process that I met practically everybody from her high school. And so did my brother. He is only one year younger than me, and he is one of those tagalong types that just wants everyone to love him no matter what. It's cute. Like a puppy licking it's vomit. Adorable.
Enter Biffle, Gigi's best friend at the time. As the name implied, of course.
It was soon after this meeting, my brother Carlos started going to Biffle's church. Actually, so did my ENTIRE family. And we ain't no small group neither. Think, The Waltons, with a slightly more twisted way of thinking. She meets everybody, becomes friends with them all, etc. I even end up going to church a few times just to see what all the hubub was about. In spite of the fact it makes me want to smoke a big fat cigarette while I eat a gianormous bowl of chocolate cherish passion ice cream and take multiple shots of whiskey as I sit in the pew. But alas, I went. I met her. She was alright. A little scrawny for my taste, but good hearted. Kid tested, sister approved.
Dude.
That should be my slogan, yo.
Screw you Kix. My shit is way classier.
Yes. I'll do it. I'll make t-shirts, and bumper stickers, and those odd little banners that go on the end of old ass airplanes, and I'll make it. I'll become famous!
Ahem.
Back to the story, people! gosh.
The more times I saw her interact with my family, the more I liked her. I was no longer playing the big sister role in my house anymore, and someone had to take my place. Thankfully, Bestie was the willing guinea pig to be sacrificed on the altar of Belzebub my family. And I was glad it was her. Carlos and my sister Amoretti had someone. Someone that did not involve stealing my best friend.
Mission Accomplished.
About a eight months later, my brother is kicked out of my parents house.
Now, hold your horses.
He did nothing wrong.
So get your mitts off him you grubby little bad boy seekers, and go chase Mick Jagger like any other 50 year old woman.. or Ke$ha.
Don't you just hate white trash?
So seeing as he was homeless/living in my shared one bedroom apartment, Biffle asked her mom to let him live in the room they usually rent out to other people. Her mom is super iffy about people. She does not trust them, with good reason. Especially in this city. Yet, in an odd move, she let him move in. She actually liked him.
La la la
Time progresses.
And apparently so does his feelings for her.
On numerous occasions I had suspected something. I am like Sherlock Holmes' dog when it comes to romance. But they had both denied it.
They each said to me, "What? Nooonono, she/he is like my sister/bother!"
Exhale
I was relieved. No incest here!
HA
Three months later I find out they are together.
Not by him. Not by her. Not by Gigi.
No.
By a friend of my friend, who is also friends with both me and Bestie. It is all that high school shit, man. No one is safe.
When I find out, it goes something like this:
My Friend: I know who your brother's girlfriend is.
Me: Who? WHO? WAIT. How do you know?
My Friend: *BEEEP* told me when we were waiting in the line to pay at Wal-mart.
Me: Why didn't they tell me?
My Friend: It slipped out, they weren't supposed to tell me.
Me: Oh, ok. So who is it? salivate
My Friend: It's Bestie
Me:
My Friend: Yep, it's Besite
Me: What? You are lying.
My Friend: Nope.
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(I wish there was an overline for the H, like how it is for rational numbers when the decimal place repeats forever)
I did not stop screaming for 2 minutes. I kid you not. My throat was raw and fleshy. Streptococcus could have come in like those mucus people from the Mucinex commercials, and never have left.
After regaining my composure I was like, ewwwwwww. But they are like Brother and SISTER. Dude. That is so gross. Like... eww. That is in how much shock I was. I reverted into a surfer stoned out of their mind whose vocabulary consists only of the words dude and pizza.
I had visions of me and my brother making out. Needless to say, I was perturbed.
A couple of months go by, I am getting more used to it. She's a good girl, a strong one. He needs someone to whip into being a man, or maybe just make him whipped. And him, I trusted him. He said he loved her, she said it too. He said he wanted to marry her. Blah blah blah. All that bullcrap they say when they are smitten over your pussy because they have not gotten any in a very long time. Or in his case, ever. In fact they are both virgins.
Me, being the experienced one. With a grand total of one real relationship under her belt, I felt it was my duty to warn him about going too fast. About how love could be confused with lust. And about.. sex. Insert gag reflex here. We never got the sex talk, by ANYBODY. Our parents explained it was "garbage," and left it at that. So everything we know is learned, from various sources. I did not trust my brother's so.. I buckled down and gave him a good what for.
Every time we spoke about their relationship, I played the level-headed older sister and asked the big questions. And each time he said, "NO, you don't know anything. We're different."
Uh-huh.
We're different.
For the amount of times I heard it out of his mouth, I should have tattooed those words across his forehead, just to save me time.
Now, apparently a few days ago (after 2.5 months together) he broke up with her saying, I'm not sure. There are things you need to work on.
I'm not SURE?!?!?
He vehemently pursued her, even when SHE was not sure she even LIKED his ugly ass. But he kept reassuring her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and just let it happen, blah blah blah.
And now he drops the ball and says...
I am not sure?!
And what about you Mr. Nineteen year old trying to be with a Twenty-two year old MATURE woman?
Hmmmm???
You think you are the creation straight out of God's Ass? (Lord, please do not smite me for that)
I feel betrayed.
That could have been me!
I could have been dumped by my brother.
Can you spell well adjusted?
This is why men cannot be trusted.
Albeit, my brother did give me the creeps. But, it was not his fault. It is just how a big sister is supposed to feel about the little brother whose wee-wee she saw growing up. That scars your perception on things, ya know.
Point it is, I saw him as a good guy. And, although I was obnoxiously cynical of him and all the rainbow glory that came out of his mouth, deep down inside, I believed him.
I believed him.
I thought he was one of the good guys.
I guess Dean Winchester will have to do for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment